Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize