Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
