I can text with my tongue
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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