I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
being pregnant is like rehab
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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