Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
