We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
