drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
