my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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