After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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