okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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