Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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