he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
