my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
