if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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