i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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