Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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