I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
