mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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