its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
