he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Houston, we have a squirter
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
