my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
