It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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