I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize