My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
The best revenge is premature balding
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
