i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We're too hungover to prance.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
