Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
