i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
