I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
