Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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