He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
