The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
