I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
