So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
