naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
