She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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