Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
