i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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