I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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