I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize