On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
