he shaved USA in his pubs
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Girls should come with a carfax report
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
