Apparently you make a good broom.
i already hear my dad disowning me
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
