Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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