Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
literally had 100 drinks last night.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize