I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
