someone threw a dead crab at me
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
