I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
