she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
