Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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