I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
