My sheets look like a crime scene.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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