I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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