So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
