the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
