I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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